Should I stay or should I go?

[charlie]

Well, hello everybody! It's been a while since I posted and I have a subject matter that I really need some advice on. Let me explain: A few weeks ago, my girl singer decides to take off to Hawaii. She never let me know anything. We have a standing gig every weekend at the Holiday Inn. Well, when I went in to set up the equipment, the lounge manager approached me and said that the girl singer had cancelled the gig, so he found someone else to play. Needless to say, I was shocked. He asked me if I knew about the cancellation, and I told him that this was the first I heard about it. She never contacted me, never said a word. She just left town and left me out in the cold. I could have easliy played the gig as a solo artist. She never even gave me the opportunity. Well, she is due back in town this week...and frankly I don't know what to say. I know she's gonna pretend like nothing ever happened and expect to get up on stage and sing just like everything's okay. Well, it's not okay. What would you guys do? We have been playing together in a duo for almost 7 years and she does this. Total disrespect on her part and I feel like a studid fool. I really need some advice as how to handle this situation. We had a good thing. Built up a good following. And now this. What would you do?

Dazed and confused...

Charlie

[geraint]

What a dreadful thing to do to anyone, especially after all those years.
My gut instinct would be to go it alone, because you will probably never trust her again.

[ziggy]

I agree with Geraint, she's done it once, she could easily do it again, especially if you forgive her so easily.

[JohnG]

Hi Charlie,
My 2d worth, what an absolutely sh1te way to treat somebody you've partnered for 7 years. Completely unacceptable.

First of all I'd have a word with all the managers in all the venues you play at and inform them that from now on all the bookings and especially cancellations come through you not through her. Do it in a nice way and don't tell them about the dispute, just a change of procedure because of a hiccup. Do it with a smile, assure them of your continued support, "it's to avoid any booking problems". Any changes to this procedure need to be agreed with them by both of you. Again don't tell them about the problem. People have a tendency to avoid potential problems and may end up not booking you at all. Don't go for the sympathy vote, it can often backfire.

Next you have to decide whether you still have a business without her. If she wasn't singing how much would it affect your bookings? Be brutally honest with yourself, look back if possible at how it was before you got together if there was a time. If you parted company is there another musician locally she might team up with to steal your gigs? They may not be as good but sometimes it's the popularity of a particular singer that sells. Again be brutally honest with yourself. Lastly you have to decide if you can ever work with her again because of this. If you could, if you get the matter sorted and she promises never to do it again, then you have to discuss it with her.

My way of doing it would be to say how extremely hurt you were by her actions and that you can't understand why she didn't inform you. i.e. try to do it in a low key way and keep anger out of it. After all there may be a valid reason (what I can't think) for her actions. You need to get a promise from her. Then tell her you've spoken to all the venue managers just to make sure it doesn't happen again. Tell her you haven't told them why it's changed. If you can't get a promise then I guess you know what to do. Even if she does I wouldn't trust her and I'd personally check every gig before the event to make sure she hasn't done-a-runner again.

Certainly there can be no trust between you any more, or at best you have to rebuild it, you may find the incident spoils the whole thing anyway.

But it's just my £0.0s.2d worth.
Good luck,
JohnG.

[Steptoe]

I think I'd simply confront her and ask why she did what she did!

[weegeo]

I have a little bit of experience in this[thought it didnt happen to me personally]A very good friend of mine was booked to play at my local club i had been approached to play it and was totally unaware of what was going on. We had set up when my friend walked in to do his set up,he was shocked we were there,it turned out that his partner had gone off to work in Spain and had cancelled ALL their gigs without telling him. He was gutted they had gigged together for just over 10 years so it was almost like a marriage. How ever the Spain trip backfired and the other guy was back in less than 6 months totally broke.
My friend handled it like this[as John said] he checked with all the clubs and explained that he was now doing a solo act until he found another partner to gig with him,nearly all the clubs were able to re-instate his work.
When he spoke with his previous partner they couldn`t reach an agreement or get a suitable explanantion as to why he had gone without saying,this friendship is now ended and any semblance of trust has gone.
I would advise you strongly to look at all your options and decide if you can feel secure in working with someone that thinks they can just walk of at anytime,make sure you contact ALL your venue`s and as previously said explain that you have taken over the booking of your act once you have this in place you will have control of the band and then if you think it`s right try and sort things out with your partner,if it doesn`t work then either replace her or go solo.
On a personal note if it was me i`d show her the door!!!!
Hope this helps, btw the guy that left my friend had great difficulty in finding someone else to gig with word of mouth is a wonderful thing

regards weegeo

[thingyy]

I guess she must think you could'nt handle it on your own. Ask her reason for cancelling the gig,if she comes across as a super star in her answer you will know what to do.

[JohnG]

I'd just add: don't burn bridges unless you know they're uncrossable.
Many reasons have been given above for burning them and I'm not going to disagree with any of them.

Just don't shoot yourself in the foot. Work from logic not from passion.
Take care and protect yourself and your interests. Right now you need to use a very cool head.
Put your passion in your music not in the business decisions you make.
JohnG.

[steveb]

Don't let her get away with it Charlie. I would confront her and ask for an explanation AT LEAST and find some one else


It's people like that that you don't want as partners

[Emerald Midi]

I can't add to the advice already given except to say JohnG's seems the best option.

I am reminded here of a time when I was playing as part of a duo in London (1992) and the fellow with me went and cancelled out a load of giggs we had lined up.

He returned to Ireland to take over his father's farm and never got back into music afterwards. Shame this as he was a fine guitarist and singer.

At least he told me he was going to do it so there was no hard feelings. I didn't mind as I headed back to the States for awhile

I still see him occasionally.

[moonie]

What a horror story! As musicians we tend to rely on the same people time and again for both musical input and gigs, my advice would be to not put all your eggs in 1 basket and try to be as diverse as possible, gig solo, duo, trio and in bands, network and make contacts. It makes for a healthy business and a healthy lifestyle. Is it easy? no...but it's fun.
Best of luck

[shyamwestwind]

Charlie, a lot has been said, but have you heard her as yet ? Let her return and let her explain to you. She just might have justifiable reasons , so dont judge her before you know. This world is so full of uncertainties, we need to look from the other's eyes, before getting worked up.
If the explanation is not justifiable, JohnG's advice is the best, but please ............ do wait.
We would like to know how things went, so do fill us in.
I hope things work out well, Charlie. and whichever and whatever way it goes, remember you have yourself to count on, so smile.

[charlie]

Thank you so much everybody for the wonderful, heartfelt advice. You know, it's so funny to me that here on this forum I feel closer to you all than I do to my so called friends who live in my hometown. When I asked their opinion, they just shook their heads and walked away. That's why this forum is such a wonderful place to express ideas, share dreams, tell stories, and sometimes get a shoulder to lean on. I can say without reserve that if I ever got a chance to meet any of you it would be so wonderful. Now, let me tell you....the rest of the story.
I approached the lounge manager and assurred him that I could do the job as a solo act. So, this past Saturday, I went solo and everything went well. I did material that I otherwise would not have a chance to do because of sharing the song list with the girl singer. The audience really enjoyed themselves and I gained a confidence in myself that I thought I had lost. At the end of the night, the lounge manager paid me more money working solo as I normally receive playing in a duo. Then he tells me that if anything happens and the girl singer decides to pull another stunt like that, I was more than welcome to play solo. So, I think he left it up to me to decide what to do. Stay in a duo with the girl singer or go solo. Either way, I got a gig. This is where the soul searching began and eventually led me to call the girl singer and asked what happened. I'm not one to let situations go on and on without having some kind of resolution. In other words, I won't let the house burn down and then tell somebody I smell smoke. Well, it turns out she and her hubby have been on the rocks for some time and this is something I've also known, but it's not my place to get involved nor would I want to. She took off and went to Hawaii she says to get away and think. Now does that excuse her treating me the way she did? NO Can I trust her not to do the same thing again? NO Can I forgive her for what she did? YES Can I forget what she did? NO And finally, do I believe in myself and my abilities to continue to play music regardless of who I work with? A RESOUNDING YES Thanks again for all the support I have received here. John, you are especially in tune with in the ins and outs of the music business and just life in general. In my opinion, you are one of the most insightful persons I have ever had the pleasure to speak with. May your tenure as a moderator on Midi-Mart be long and rewarding. You have so much to offer.

[shyamwestwind]

Charlie, that was nice saying you forgive her for what she did. There are situations in life when we feel shattered and we can't think rationally. It happens. As they say every cloud has a silver lining and it is great that you have found your strength inside you. Here's wishing you all the very best in your new role. You will love it and you will also feel good knowing that if the need arises, you can ask her to pitch in.
Yes, our JohnG gave the best ever advice ....... he's truly a great guy !

[JazzCat]

I am truly sorry you had to go through this. I've been in a similar situation... drummer not showing up for a 5+1 top 40 type gig.

I would fire her on the spot and never deal with her again. What she did is completely unprofessional and utterly unacceptable and the reasons don't matter. The ONLY acceptable reason for not showing up to a gig and not calling is death or coma, and I mean the death of the person who's supposed to be there. I would cut all ties with her. Not only would I never deal with her again but I would warn others in the business that she is untrustable and can not be counted on when the going gets rough.

Seems to me if she could call the club and cancel she sure as He!! could have called you and explained what was happening and why she had to get away. To me that is an alarm sounding BIG time. Seems more was going through her head than her so-called husband problems!

I have played through some pretty tough times in my life too.... hiding on break to cry, and redoing my make up and putting on my plastic smile when I stepped back on stage! But, I NEVER allowed heartbreak and personal problems be an excuse to duck out of my responsibilities to the other people in the group!

When I was working as a vocalist in bands I was never 'absent unless I was to ill to get out of bed and that happened once in 25 years, and I called the band leader long before he had to be at the gig. He got a replacement for me that night.

I was late to a gig once, and that time wasn't even my fault! The leader gave me the wrong start time by an hour. That made me a half an hour late and I was so pissed at the leader I could hardly see straight. Why? Because when I walked in halfway through the first set I was the one who appeared to be an irresponsible dingbat to the audience and to the people that hired us!

It's a business and when you are in a position where others depend on you, you simply can NOT pull a stunt like that. I know musicians who have played gigs on the day their mother or wife died. If that isn't a reason to not show up, nothing is!

[Tubbs]

Hi Charlie...Get rid and get on with it, the trust is gone now between you.

Sorry to be short and swift, but their is no point beating around the bush...good luck to you.

[rosybud1956]

Hi Charlie. Have you checked how many other gigs she may have cancelled on you? Although John G had some excellent points I don't believe I could continue with her as part of my duo after what she has done. I have to agree with Cat-if she could contact the business to cancel the gig she could have contacted you. Really she should have contacted you and left it up to you anyway as it appears to me, from what you have written, that you are the senior party of the two..... All the best for the future.. She has done one good thing for you anyway. Gave you the chance to do a gig solo and it was successful. Go it alone mate. You can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cheers Lyn

[JohnG]

Hi Charlie,

Well my friend you almost render me speechless (unusual for me I know ) Your thanks are much appreciated and I'm so glad that you found my advice worthwhile. Also very pleased that it has worked out well with new-found confidence.

I must admit that during my career I've been on both sides of the fence and have learnt that what one perceives on one side may not be what the other side intended. I guess if my marriage was on the rocks and I really cared about it I might not make the best decisions in the world either. What am I saying MIGHT. You know I'd be absolutely C**P.

My own personal feeling would be to give the person another chance "in this circumstance". If she really is having problems then you rejecting her too may make her feel friendless and who knows where that may lead? people do act "out of character" from time to time and my instinctive feeling is to give them another chance.

I wish that occasionally had been done for me. Goodness knows I've made some mistakes along the way. The ones that forgave me are still my friends 20 years later.

Perhaps (looking at it from another angle) you owe her a favour for helping you find yourself? And kindness often does get repaid. We are so often IMHO too ready to condemn people for an unintentional slight.

But above all it's how YOU feel about it, her explanation, how she treats you now, what YOU want to do. Think carefully, sleep on it, Make a sound business decision. You are now holding the aces.

But it's only my opinion.
JohnG

BTW. I'm not a moderator, just a freelance poster.

[weegeo]

John as usual gives good council and it certainly is worth considering,i would tend to go down the road that the majority of the posts say. If it were me after hearing her `story`i would think for all of 5minutes and then tell her `bye`. The best positive to come out of this is the fact that you now have the confidence to do your own show so just go for it and enjoy the buzz and the very best of luck to you if you need any files your in the right place to get them.
I totally agree with what you have said about the forum,in here we have the best bunch of people that you will find anywhere,we are a family and we care for each other when 1 of is down we all rally round to try and help and i speak from experience,this is the place to be.

[weegeo]

Btw i can`t beleive Cat wears make up nawwww no way lol lol



weegeo