Why men don't write to Dear Abby

[ironbaden]

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what
could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs ... phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when
I Ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you
don't Know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she
always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off,
as if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't
in a taxi?

I once picked her mobile phone up just to see what time it was. She
went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again
and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the
subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know
the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really
check on her.

I decided I was going to park my 2006 Yamaha R1 motorcycle next
to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of
the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching
behind my Yamaha R1, that I noticed that the valve covers on my
engine seemed to Be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
dealer?

[mark]

Thats really serious!I'd take it back tothe dealer if I was you Iron.
LOL!!!!!

[paulhcctt]

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!

[rogerb]

Hi Guys, I know we get some great jokes on this section but got to thinking a lot of us use one liners in our acts and I wondered if it would be a good idea to have a dedicated section where we could post our one-liners to share with other acts and members. Here's a selection of some of mine. Let me know what you think of the idea

So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!
I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet 'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood"
I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen Beetle with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue .
I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work??
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."
He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.
She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.
She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"
He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate.
He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"
He went "Baah" and I went "Moo"
He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again.
He then made memanaging director and I went right off into a tree.
The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"
He said, "He's not your type."
I said "How about Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[FoothillsSound]

Baden,

Both you & Roger are way too clever.

Roger,

I particularly like the 'RSPCA' one, you sick puppy! ;D

[ironbaden]

Roger ...those were brilliant!!!!!!

[Emerald Midi]

Got to agree, great stuff Roger and Baden. The Batman Forever one had me in stitches