Christmas Jokes

[mark]

Come on Guys and girls you must have a favourite Xmas Joke


Come on send them in


Mark

[Emerald Midi]

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus
living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.
(You gotta wonder about that one kid's parents)

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby
for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton s
sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.
With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to
make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times
the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame
instantaneously.

[Emerald Midi]

Do You Know Santa's True Profession???
Submitted by KSmith

Consider the following:

1. You never actually see Santa, only his "assistants."
2. Santa keeps his job until he decides to retire.
3. Santa doesn't really do the work; he directs a bunch of helpers
to do all his work for him, but he's the one who everybody credits
with the work.
4. Santa doesn't work anywhere near a 40 hour week.
5. Santa travels a lot.

Santa is obviously a senior faculty member with tenure!

[Emerald Midi]

At Grandma's
- Written by Tab Nettleton
Submitted by Joke-Of-The-Day.com member

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Gramma is!"

[Emerald Midi]

Christmas Fireman

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You d**n Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said
"See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

[Emerald Midi]

The 12 Nights of Christmas;
for the Scrooge in Thee
Submitted by Ed Contreras & Liz Rodriguez

Chorus: The first thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me Is
ONE: Finding a Christmas tree.
****

TWO
----
The second thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me is my
[Husband]: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.


THREE
------
The third thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Inebriated man]: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.


FOUR
-----
The fourth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Frustrated man]: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

FIVE
-----
The fifth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up the lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.


SIX
---
The sixth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Frustrated wife]: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I hate those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Rigging up these lights,
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
****

SEVEN
------
The seventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Angry man]: The Salvation Army,
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez!
2: I'm trying to rig up these lights!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.


EIGHT
-----
The eighth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Loud kid]: I WANNA TRANSFORMER FOR CHRISTMAS!
7: Charities
6: And what do you mean, "your in-laws"?!?
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, making out these cards,
3: Edith, get me a beer, huh?
2: What? We have no extension cords?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.
****

NINE
----
The ninth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Another frustrated man]: No parking spaces, 8: DADDY, I WANT SOME
CANDY!!
7: Donations!
6: Facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Writing out those Christmas cards,
3: Hangovers,
2: Now why the hell are they blinking?!?
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

TEN
----
The tenth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[Toy-commercial voice]: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: BUY ME SOMETHIN'!!!!
7: Get a job, ya bum!!!
6: (sobbing) Oh, facing my in-laws,
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Yo, ho! Sending Christmas cards,
3: Oh, Jeez, look at this!
2: One light goes out, they ALL go out!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

ELEVEN
-------
The eleventh thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
[TV Critic]: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking spaces,
8: I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!!!!
7: Charities!!
6: (sobbing) She's a witch! I hate her!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: Oh, I don't even KNOW half these people!
3: Oh, who's got the toilet paper?
2: Get a flashlight!! I blew a fuse!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.


TWELVE
------
The twelfth thing at Christmas that's such a pain to me:
: Singing Christmas Carols,
11: Stale TV specials,
10: "Batteries not included",
9: No parking?
8: WAAAAAAH!!!! WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
7: Charities!
6: Gotta make 'em dinner!
Chorus: F i v e m o n t h s of b i l l s,
4: I'm not sending them this year, that's it!
3: Shut up, you!
2: FINE!! If you're so smart, YOU RIG UP THE LIGHTS!!!!!
Chorus: And finding a Christmas tree.

[Emerald Midi]

An Axe to Grind

A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

[Emerald Midi]

To All Employees
From Management
Subject Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)

Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."

Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.

All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

[midimart]

Wow Pat..... You have been busy, are you Santa???

[Emerald Midi]

midimart said:

Wow Pat..... You have been busy, are you Santa???

No, just one of his little helpers who helped himself to too many minced pies ;D ;D

[dingadong04]

After working twice as hard at Christmas Rudolph and all the other Reindeers walk into the local bar and order a round of martinis, Without batting an eye, the bartender ,mixed and poured the drinks, set hem in front of the reindeers, and accepted the100-dollar bill from the rudolphs hoof.
As he handed the Rudolph some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
Rudolph looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm not at all suprised."

[dingadong04]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was over 6 feet tall, and banged his head on the doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he shouted.
Joseph said, "Write that down, Mary; it's a lot better than Cecil

[timpipmidi]

brilliant dingadong

[dingadong04]

Cheers timpipmidi ..this my favourite joke of all time because round here we all know the woman involved ..may she rest in peace ..wee Mary Brady had 11 children ,not much money to feed them so near x mas she goes in to the local supermarket , lifts a fresh turkey and puts it up her skirt as she heads for the door the store manager stops her ,,im sorry Mrs Brady but i have to ask ..what are you doing with that turkey ...mary says.. Potatoes carrots & Sprouts

[rockabilly]

Did you hear about the dislexic Devil Worshipper who sold his soul to Santa ??

Rock on

[mark]

Keep them coming!

Cheers

Mark