Regular Jokes Thread.

[Emerald Midi]

All regular - non music related jokes - to be place on this thread.

[Emerald Midi]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Dont burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.

"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home the husband asked his wife ,
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're gonna die." she replied.

[Emerald Midi]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I get a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..... "Because I do it with the engine running!

[Emerald Midi]

A skeleton walks into a bar, and says, "Give me a pint, and a mop."

[leo]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[midimart]

Bloke walked in to a shop asked for a packet of helicopter flavor crisps the shop owner said we don't sell helicopter flavor so the bloke said OK then i will have
plain flavor.

[red465]

A bloke walks into shop and says, can i have a wasp please, the shopkeeper said we dont sell wasps in here , the bloke said, you"ve got one in the window:"

[davesasinger]

Two monkeys in a bath.

1st monkey - "ooh ooh OOH aah AAH AAH !!!" (chimp noises)

2nd monkey - "Well put some cold in!"

[leo]

Political correctness has gone even madder. It seems that now we can't call fat people fat. We should refer to them as "failed anorexics" instead

[midimart]

What is the difference between Roast Beef and Pea Soup....


'Anyone' can Roast Beef.....!!!!

[tumblehome]

Paddy walks into a small town general store. The clerk says: "Can I help you?" Paddy says: "I want ta buy a comb." The clerk says: "Do you want a steel one?" Paddy replies: "No. I want ta buy one."

[banner]

A man walked into a library and asked if he could borrow a bookon suicide
The librarian said p*** off you won't bring it back.

[rogerb]

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, Stevie asks if anyone has a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his lungs, "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about ten minutes.

When he finishes, the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts, "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord!" A bit peeved by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. But the little old man jumps up again. "No, no, no! Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"

Now truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability, Stevie invites him up on the stage and says, "Okay, you start us off." The little old man grabs the mike and starts to sing ‘A jazz chord, to say I ruv you’

[tumblehome]

A priest and a rabbi were seated together on an aircraft. The rabbi said to the priest:
"When do you get the big promotion?"
Priest: "Well, sometimes a few of us get to be bishops after many years."
Rabbi: "No, no. I mean when do you get the big promotion?"
Priest: "Well some of us occasionally rise to the position of cardinal after much effort and dedication."
Rabbi: "No, no, no. I mean when do you get the really big promotion?"
Priest: "Well, very rarely one of us will be elevated to the honour of being a Pope."
Rabbi: "No, no, no, no. I mean when do you get the really BIG promotion?"
Priest: "What are you trying to say? Do you think I can become Jesus Christ?"
Rabbi: "Well, one of our boys made it."

[levi2]

A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman do you know if my brothers been in here

The barman replys what does he look like

[levi2]

A white horse walks into a bar and the barman says what a coincidence im going to name this pub after you
the white horse says What!! your gonna call this pub FRED