What's your favourite come-back line?

[gibbo]

The thread on "punters wanting to sing" has given me an idea for a new thread... your favourite on-stage come-back/put-down when punters get loud or obnoxious.
How do you handle the loud idiots?
One of my favourites, courtesy of my duo partner (she's very subtle... not), is;
"Hey mate, save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your girlfriend when you get home tonight!"

[Steptoe]

Last time I saw a head like that there was a Jockey sitting behind it!!

[gibbo]

Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it!...(pause)...
A right-hook!!!

[weegeo]

when i get pestered it`s `Hey i can see why your sitting at that wall it`s plastered as well ` works most of the time lol or are you wearing that shirt for a bet ?? take it off you`ve won i have a string of them lol Good idea for the thread Gibbo btw greetings from N.Ireland

[gibbo]

Hey weegeo, greetings from Oz.
I love the "plastered" line, I'll be using that one.

My favourite for noisy girls/women is:
"Hey, gimme a break, I'm working here! I don't come around to your place when the red light's on!"

[geraint]

I see you regularly on Welsh Television...................interference.

Every time you open your mouth you remind me of my old rugby coach The only difference is that you've had the seats taken out of yours.

[bri]

Mine used to go (to a noisy audience)...Do you mind having a bit of respect please? Can't you see there's somebody dying up here?
Thankfully it wasn't true TOO much of the time - and it usually worked.
Bri

[thingyy]

I'd like to invite you home for tea.We often have it in the sh**t house{dunny}.

[guilty]

For the heckler: "Listen mate..........if I want rubbish I'll wring your head out."

For the very drunk bloke: "This guy is proof why cousins shouldn't breed."

For the big, loud girl hanging it on your female singer: "You obviously don't have a mirror at home."

[paulhcctt]

when i get a heckler i normally pick up my phone and over the mic i clearly state:

"Uh Hello. American Express...... Yeah sorry i can't pay my bill this month........ yeah i couldn't play tonight.......... Some heckler ruined the show for everyone..........."

Always gets a good laugh........

When a publican wants a gig on the cheap, and they use the old "Meh, The Tills were low tonight" i casually hold out my hand and say "Well, There's no point in 2 of us having a bad night "

[weegeo]

another 1 lol hey i like your hair....................... did you come here on a motorbike lol lol shuts them up all the time lol

[weeo]

A couple more:
Keep your hat on mate there's a woodpecker flying about.
or
I know it's hard to behave,i was the same after my first pint.

[geraint]

If you have a group of them. Try

Why dont you lot put your heads together, it would make a lovely log cabin

[Steptoe]

For the belligerent punter:

This is what happens when cousins marry!!

[shanless]

Hey mate...the difference between you and me is...I'll be goin home with the money you've spent...................Hello from N. Ireland

[dingadong04]

Here a few that s helped me out over the years
For the singer you,ve just had on stage ..
He sings with his eyes closed cos he does,nt like to watch people suffer

To the real pest who just won,t let ye get on with the show...

We could have a battle of wits but you're unarmed

Sorry, I don't speak pissed

ye haven,t got the hang of this heckling lark yet have ye mate? you're supposed to make ME look StUPID

every time ye open yer mouth yer face disappears

You're quite a wit.... well, I was half right

tonite while you,re here some village is doing without their eejit (idiot )

The anonymous alcoholic, ladies and gentlemen!

heres one for the ladies to put down hecklers..Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice

but my favourite.. but the most sore on me face.... F... Off lol

cubb

[gibbo]

Great stuff, Cubb, my repertoire of come-backs is expanded yet again!
I've tried that last one a few times but it's usually a last resort!
Thanks mate, Dave.

[bique]

When I get a heckler the one I usualy use is "The last time I saw a hole like that I flushed it"

[Tubbs]

we had a drunk husband and wife double act one night, they never stopped heckling, i asked him did he have a fondness for the seaside, "no" he replied "why do you say that" i said "cos the only thing that would take your missus out apart from you is the tide"

Funnily enough they drank up and left after that!!!

[mickyb]

I will definately fit the one about the tide in sheer class lol best in a long time